Waiting

  When your a teenager I'm sure everyone can remember the time when you would be sitting by the phone going crazy chanting ring ring ring.  All because someone told you I will give you a call tomorrow.  You in all your anxiety every time the phone would ring would be filled with both hope and anxiety and yet scared at the same time.  On one hand oh my this is it they finally called.  On the other hand oh no this it they called what if they are going going to say what I want to hear or I say something wrong.

  Here I am waiting by the phone but not because I'm hoping for a date, well maybe I am, but more because I am waiting on news if proving I wasn't pregnant is enough to get my insurance company to finally allow me to have surgery.  I had been told I should hear something by Monday so of course I was on edge all day yesterday and when 5 came and I knew the Dr was closed I just wanted to cry.  Today I seem to be doing the same thing.  Sitting by the phone getting my hopes up when the phone rings to have it be a family member and i cant help the disappointment in my voice then of course they are like sorry I called.  I have to apologize and assure them no its not you its me I'm just crazy today. I am so sorry.

  I suppose in a way this is all kind of funny.  I'm acting like a kid waiting for the boy of my dreams to call when in reality I'm waiting on a woman to call me and say yes we can finally save your life.

  My husband tells me he can always tell how well I am doing by how much I joke and laugh.  The sad truth is I'm not real sure how long I can keep finding the funny side in everything.  I'm tired of being told no.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of the exhaustion those goes along with only have a 7 hemoglobin level.  I really need something amazing in my life to help me find laughter again.  Hugs to all.

Off to the Dr

  Well I had to go to the Dr again today for more test to make the insurance company happy.  The funnest thing they made them test me in 3 different ways to see if I was pregnant.  I suppose it is just me but if i had been pregnant for the past year and bleeding I think I would have needed to be in the hospital anyway.

  The whole process was humiliating to me and the entire time I was there all I could do was cry.  My husband likes to judge how well I am by the fact if I can joke with him or not and today I told him I just don't have any jokes in me.  I am so tired and hurting and the test seem like they will never end.

  With all I went through today they still cant promise to help me.  My Dr is going to call their Dr and try and convince them to let her save my life and they will try and let me know something Monday.  So I get the whole weekend to sit around in pain and misery and just worry about will I finally get help or not.

  I should mention both my Dr's and their staff have been great through all this and they have tried so very hard to help me in every way they can think of.  The only true villain in my story I suppose is the insurance company who would rather believe I am pregnant then that I need a hysterectomy.  Seems they think if I am not pregnant then maybe birth control pills will help or maybe my thyroid is off. I cant help but wonder if the insurance didn't just grab some guy off the street say hey your a Dr and here is the script you need to read.

  So far this insurance company has turned me down 3 times.  We only went with this company because they said they would cover all my medication so we would get a discount and turns out they cover one.  I pay out all this money every month and it just seems like it is for nothing all so that at tax time I wont have to pay a penalty on my taxes.  I can die but god forbid I don't have insurance then the government gets upset.

  Thank you to everyone who has sent me well wishes and to everyone who has visited my little blog.  Believe it or not It actually does make me feel better to be able to vent just a little bit.  Hugs to all.

Who I am

  I am nobody important.  Just another person trying to get by in a world that isn't always that kind.  I have way to many medical issues to even begin to start explaining them all in one post.  Today though I would like to talk about the fact that I am slowly bleeding to death.

  How is that possible in today's day and time?  I wonder that on an almost daily basis.  It would seem I am in desperate need of a hysterectomy and I have two Dr's who say I will die without this surgery.  However my insurance company is not convinced.  They have denied me the right to have the surgery so the hospital wont even let me in the hospital doors.

  I think it is absolutely crazy that these people have absolute control over whether I live or die.  The really funny part is back before everyone was required to have insurance I would have been able to get into the hospital and paid a monthly payment until the surgery was paid for but now thanks to the new laws I seem to have no options.

  My surgery was actually scheduled for today.  I should be in recovery right now trying to slowly heal and to feel better but yesterday my insurance company sent the call out that said " Yeah you gave us all this documentation showed us all the test gave us the testimony of two Dr's showed us the sonograms but ya know we don't believe it sorry rejected no surgery."  So I'm sitting here at home with nowhere to turn frustrated and writing a blog cause at this point I guess there is nothing more I can do.

  It took ten years for me to find help with my thyroid condition and I barely survived that ordeal Its rather doubtful Ill survive through the next year if I have to fight my insurance company this whole time.

  Tomorrow I am off to my obgyn again who is going to do another pelvic exam and another sonogram and then schedule a phone call with my insurance company Dr in the hopes she can convince him to allow her to save my life.  This is so sad it could truly only be happening in my life.

Well enough of my venting today.  I hope everyone else is having a good day and is able to find help when they are in need.  Hugs to all.